“Would you be OK with your man
having close female friends?”
A Facebook friend asked this
question the other day, and a lot of
women said no, they wouldn’t be
comfortable with this.
I know many men feel the same
about their girlfriends or wives
having close male friends. It’s a
fairly typical attitude found in
heterosexual couples.
I understand the feelings behind
this. No one wants to have the worry
that their significant other is going
to cheat on them. If your boyfriend
likes girls, and you’re the only girl
he spends any significant time with,
then that pretty much means he’s
safely yours, right?
Well, no, not really.
I think that not only should we be
OK with our partners having close
friends who are the same gender as
us, it’s something we should want.
In other words, I prefer to date men
who have close female friends.
See, when a man has close female
friends as well as close male friends,
it means a few things.
First, how sad must your relationship
be if your trust in your significant
other is so flimsy that you believe
the only way to keep them from not
cheating on you is to keep them
away from anyone they might
potentially find sexually attractive?
Think about it. If the only thing
that’s stopping your boyfriend from
cheating on you is he hasn’t been
given the opportunity, then you’re in
a pretty awful relationship that’s
guaranteed to end badly.
The fact is, if your boyfriend is going
to cheat on you, it’s going to happen
sooner or later. I’d rather date a guy
who’s trustworthy.
Of course, you might just think no
guys at all can be trusted to be left
alone with women without having
sex with them, or that no single
women can be trusted to be left
alone with taken men without having
sex with them. If that’s really how
you see the world then I just kinda
feel a little sorry for you.
Second, it means, or should mean if
he’s not a hypocrite, that he will be
comfortable with you having close
male friends, and my friends are far
too important for me to abandon or
avoid some of them just because
they’re male.
I know some people would say “my
husband’s my best friend, so I don’t
need anyone else!” Frankly I find
that a little creepy.
I don’t know how these people
function, but even though my fiancé
is of course my best friend I still
need my non-romantic, close
friendships with people who are not
family in my life.
Finally, it means he has women in
his life who he values for their
friendship alone, rather than for the
amount of sex he can get out of
them.
He views women as humans and
equals - people he can talk to, trust,
and rely on - rather than mere sex
objects. This can only be a good
thing. It means he will be able to
see you as an equal that he can talk
to, trust, and rely on.
If your boyfriend only values women
he can have sex with, then how can
you expect him to value you for
anything other than sex?
And if your boyfriend is unused to
having interactions with women that
are not strictly romantic or sexual,
how can you expect him to be able
to understand and relate to you?
The fact is, one of the best ways to
learn how to relate to others who are
different to us is through
friendships. When a person limits
their friendships only to people who
represent their gender, (or race, or
sexual orientation, or anything else
for that matter) they risk seeing
anyone who doesn’t fit into that
group as alien and “other”.
It’s easy to empathise with a friend,
but it’s really hard to empathise
with someone who is “other”.
That’s how you get these “men are
from Mars and women are from
Venus” situations, where women tell
each other that all men are dogs,
while men tell each other that
“bitches be crazy”.
So I’m going to go ahead and say it:
Not only should you be OK with
dating a guy whose best friend is a
woman, you should actively look at
strong friendships with other women
as a major bonus in a guy.
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